Restless, listless, freaking impossible. That's how I am at the moment. I took a muscle relaxant, Norflex or something, which is supposed to cause sleep but somehow it's had the opposite effect on me. My body is tired, I can barely type, but I can't sleep. Another freak occurance in that which is me, it's like everything that everyone else does one way, I'm bound to do another way.
Sooooo...what else? Oh yeah, I'm emotionally drained.
Have you ever received one of those chain emails, or ppt presentations with what the Dalai Lama says, live life blah-dee blah? In general you will find they say something to the effect of:
- Tell the people you love how important they are before you can't.
- Keep the people you care about close.
- Make everyone feel like your favorite.
Well, I want to, but I'm not supposed to. I shouldn't. It would be misinterpreted...
But what happens if I should have told him I cared for him. That he'll always be important and that I'll always be there for him.
Maybe he knows it, maybe he doesn't really care, but isn't it important for me to get that out there. So I can say that I've done my part and be of clear conscience. Or will it only serve the purpose of making him think me annoying and unable to keep my word (In a rage I told him I wouldn't contact him again).
He's okay. He might be great for all I know. I want that for him. But I want that for me more.
I do, however, have a big chunk of womanly pride. A chunk I need to protect. I won't lower myself or do something that will make me feel less...
I want to be done. I'm seeing someone new for God sake! Why can't I want him out of my life, and why can't I get him out of my head.
In other news, I need physical therapy on the whole of my back and neck because of the crash...oh yeah, I crashed Eve. 6 months and my car might be totaled. We shall see what happens.
Why is everything I write so banal? I feel like I've got no substance anymore. Ectoplasmic almost, ghostly. My essence, the me who I am seems to have vacated and I can't seem to find my footing.
Sometimes I disgust myself.